A stand-up n****, now you sit down to aim– Jay Z in the song A Week Ago
It’s Time For Change
Girls, I’m about to make your day.
Guys, you’re going to want to sit down for this (literally).
I’ve realized that for 30 years I’ve been making a mistake. But finally I’ve been enlightened and now, I invite all men out there to join me:
Gentlemen, it’s time for us to pee like
women real men. It’s time to pee sitting down.
Missing the Point
“Aimers” (stand up pissers) out there who refuse to pee sitting down don’t know what they’re missing.
Actually, they probably do: the toilet. Show me an Aimer who says he never misses the toilet and I’ll show you a liar. It’s impossible. There are just too many variables. (Guys know what I’m talking about.)
Not only that, but even perfectly aimed streams are messy.
They create a fine mist of piss that missed. Though it can be invisible to the naked eye, the nose can’t miss the smell. And it accumulates, creating sticky floors and yellow porcelain. Nobody wants to deal with this, and we shouldn’t have to.
Speaking of things we shouldn’t have to do, say goodbye to the endless Up vs. Down toilet seat debate. Let the seat stay down forever more.
Can’t we all admit that picking up and putting down toilet seats was kind of gross anyways?
Spraying Down the Counterarguments
Aimers might still argue, “Yeah, but it’s faster not to sit down.”
But if saving time when using the toilet is the argument, nobody better ever catch those same people hypocritically reading a magazine or checking their Instagram while dropping a deuce.
Standing up to pee may not even be faster anyway.
Sitting down to pee minimizes zipper-related delays (and risks) and eliminates the hassle of fingering around for the ever elusive (and sometimes inexistent) underwear slit.
Think about it this way:
When you’re on the verge of pissing yourself what do you do? You sprint to the toilet, tear down your pants, and pee bare-bottomed like a little kid. It’s the fastest way.
So keep it simple. Drop trou, turn around and pee sitting down.
An Easy Flow
Sitting is pleasant. Instead of having to focus on aiming, we Sitters get the rare opportunity to relax and enjoy the relief of emptying our bladders. Who couldn’t use an extra little break from a busy day?
The advantages of sitting are even bigger in the middle of the night. While Aimers ruin their circadian rhythms by having to turn on the lights to take 2 a.m. tinkles, Sitters are able to pee sleepily in pitch darkness and return immediately to blissful sleep.
With all this said, if there is a urinal, a tree, a disgusting public toilet, or a high bridge or cliff, it is undoubtedly advantageous to pee standing up.
This ability to adapt to various circumstances is one of the greatest gifts given to those of us lucky enough to be born as males.
Be A Man: Pee Sitting Down
A real man is clean, courteous, considerate, and lazy.
Sitting down to pee checks off every one of those criteria.
So if you’re a real man, give sitting down to pee a go. You may never want to stand up again.
And if you don’t want to take my word for it, maybe Larry David will convince you:
And Don’t Sit Down to Poo?
Now this may get confusing.
Not only do I recommend real men sit down to pee (at home, at least), but I also recommend we all—men and women—not sit down to poo.
I don’t mean poo standing up, though.
Scientists have found that squatting instead of sitting reduces the chances of all sorts of problems like hernias, hemorrhoids, and constipation.
This video explains why:
Instead of ripping out my bathroom’s toilet to squat into a hole like a billion people do around the world, I got a Squatty Potty.
The Squatty Potty is a little stool that you slide out from under the toilet and put your feet on to let it all flow out more easily.
I’ve had hundreds of smoother poos thanks to it, so even though I’m a cheapass I consider it $25 very well spent. You can check it out here.