Lifestyle

“It’s Time For Men to Pee Sitting Down,” Said the Enlightened Man

pee sitting down coverLet's all men & women pee together the same way: sitting down.

A stand-up n****, now you sit down to aim – Jay Z, A Week Ago

It’s Time For Change

Girls, I’m about to make your day. Guys, you’re going to want to sit down for this (literally).

After 30 misguided years, I’ve seen the light. Now, I invite all you men out there to join me enlighten yourselves too. Gentlemen, it’s time for you to pee like women. It’s time to pee sitting down.

You’ve Been Missing the Point

You “Aimers” (stand up pissers) out there who refuse to pee sitting down don’t know what you’re missing.

Actually, you probably do: the toilet. Show me an Aimer who says he never misses the toilet and I’ll show you a liar. It’s impossible. There are just too many variables. (Guys, you know what I’m talking about.)

Not only that, but there’s The Splash. Even perfectly aimed streams will create a splash, a fine mist of piss that missed. Though it can be invisible to the naked eye, it remains very perceptible to the exposed nose. And it accumulates, creating sticky floors, yellow porcelain, and stinky scents. You don’t want to deal with it, and you shouldn’t have to.

Speaking of things you shouldn’t have to do, say goodbye to the tiresome and endless toilet seat debate. Let the seat stay down forever more. There’s no need to put it up ever again (which, you have to admit, is kind of gross anyway).

Toilet_seat_up
Sights like this—a toilet seat left up—may one day only be seen in anthropology museums.

Spraying Down the Counterarguments

You Aimers might still argue, “Yeah, but it’s faster not to sit down.” Maybe, but if saving time is your argument, nobody better ever catch you hypocritically reading a magazine or checking your Instagram while taking a shit.

It may not even be faster anyway. Unanticipated delays in dealing with zippers and fingering around for the ever elusive (and sometimes inexistent!) underwear slit are commonplace.

Think about it this way: when you’re on the verge of pissing yourself and you sprint into the bathroom, what do you do? You tear down your pants and pee bare-bottomed like a little kid. It’s the fastest way. So keep it simple. Drop trou, turn around and pee sitting down.

An Easy Flow

Sitting is pleasant. Instead of having to focus on aiming, you’re afforded the rare opportunity to relax and enjoy the relief of emptying your bladder. Who couldn’t use an extra little break from a busy day?

And at night, sitting down to pee brings another oft-overlooked advantage as well. While Aimers ruin their circadian rhythms by having to turn on the lights to take 2 AM tinkles, Sitters are able to pee sleepily in pitch darkness then return immediately to blissful sleep.

Exceptions

With all this said, if there is a urinal, a tree, or a disgusting public toilet, it is undoubtedly advantageous to pee standing up.

This ability to adapt to various circumstances is one of the greatest gifts bestowed upon those of us lucky enough to be born as males.

Be A Man: Pee Sitting Down

A real man is clean, courteous, considerate, and lazy. Sitting down to pee checks off every one of those criteria. So if you’re a real man, you should give sitting down to pee a go. You may never want to stand up again.

And if you don’t want to take my word for it, maybe Larry David will convince you:

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